Psalms 1:1-2 Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. (NIV)

My prayer is to be like this, to continue to meditate on his word and seek him. We cannot do it alone. But nothing is too difficult for God.

I had a very powerful wakeup call this weekend, it's funny that it would have to happen at the church I grew up in. It's amazing how soon we can forget the meaning of the things we do, we take them for granted, they become routine and mundane.

I will not be conquered by discouragement or negativity. I will overcome.

The funny thing is I thought I missed Christmas this year. I was too busy and anxious and thought theres no way I can just sit and think about the birth of Jesus. But Jesus met me. He came to me in the only place I could be found. And it was powerful.

Peace fills our hearts when we take God at his word. The same passagI'veve read over and over for years and years that has become the cliche' has now become a life line to me. "Love...bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things." 1 Corinthians 13:7

...love is a choice, if you choose to love someone you have to abide by the laws of love to make it work. It's a good thing we have an instruction manual...

Merry Christmas!

Alex and I are leaving tomorrow for Cali! Whoo Hoo! A much needed mini vacation. It will be busy, but all the same it will be so nice to just get away for a little bit. I'm relaxed just thinking about it, even as I tie up all my loose ends at the office before I leave.

Alex's sister is getting married on Friday so that will be lovely I'm sure, then ight after we get to go to a Christmas party with all of our old friends. On Saturday we'll spend some time with friends and take some tours of possible apartment options. Christmas Eve we will be spending with Alex's mom and Christmas morning we will be spending with mi madre. I'm so excited, and then Christmas evening we will spend with Alex's pops. So it's a pretty full weekend and I hope it will feel long but relaxing.

So I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas holiday no matter what you may be doing. Safe travels and God Bless.

I hope to have great news when we come back!;)

You've got mail

I love good movie quotes but for some reason the holidays make e think of quotes from the movie 'You've got mail'. I'd like to share a few of my favorites from this last Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks romantic comedy.

1. "Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but valuable. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void. "
2. "The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat, etc. So people who don't know what the hell they're doing or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self: Tall. Decaf. Cappuccino. "
3. "Your daring to march into the unknown with...nothing."
4. "Kevin, this is possibly the most adorable creature I've ever been in contact with and if she turns out to be as good looking as a mailbox, I would be crazy enough to turn my life upside down and marry her."
5. "But the truth is....I'm heart broken. I feel as though a part of me has died and my mother has died all over again and nothing will ever make it right."
6. "Joe Fox: You know, sometimes I wonder... Kathleen Kelly: What? Joe Fox: Well... if I hadn't been "Fox Books" and you hadn't been "The Shop Around the Corner," and you and I had just met... Kathleen Kelly: I know. Joe Fox: Yeah, yeah. I would've asked for your number. And I wouldn't have been able to wait 24 hours before calling you up and saying, Hey, how about... oh, how about some coffee, or drinks, or dinner, or a movie... for as long as we both shall live? "
7. "Brinkley is my dog. He loves the streets of New York as much as I do. Although he likes to eat bits of pizza and bagels off the sidewalk and I prefer to buy them. "
8. "What will NY152 say today I wonder. I turn on my computer. I wait impatiently as it connects. I go online, and my breath catches in my chest until I hear three little words: You've got mail. I hear nothing. Not even a sound on the streets of New York, just the beating of my own heart. I have mail. From you. "
9. "Once I read a story about a butterfly in the subway, and today, I saw one. It got on at 42nd, and off at 59th, where, I assume it was going to Bloomingdales to buy a hat that will turn out to be a mistake - as almost all hats are. "
10. "Kathleen. YOU, are a lone reed. You are a lone reed, standing tall, waving boldly in the corrupt sands of commerce. "
11. "When you read a book as a child, it becomes a part of your identity in a way that no other reading in your whole life does. "
12. "Have you ever become the worst version of yourself. That a pandora's box of all the hate, spite and condescension has sprung open? Someone upsets you and instead of walking away... you zing them. "Hello it's Mr Nasty". I'm sure you have no idea what I'm talking about..."
13. " Soon it will be something really depressing. Like a 'Baby Gap'. "
14. "The odd thing about this form of communication is that you're more likely to talk about nothing than something. But I just want to say that all this nothing has meant more to me than so many somethings."

All of these quotes make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I also just love getting anysort of mail, it makes me feel like people are thinking about me and it makes me feel loved, whethere it's snail mail or email. This is a great movie to just curl up and watch by yourself and just have a good cry. The word that keeps coming to mind is melancholy. When I'm melancholy, I watch this movie. Maybe I'll watch it tonight.

Oh, also there is a song at the end of the movie that just makes my heart flutter.

"Funny how I feel more myself with you Than anybody else that I ever knew I hear it in your voice, see it in your face You've become the memory I can't erase You could have been anyone at all A stranger falling out of blue I'm so glad it was you Wasn't in the plan not that I could see Suddenly a miracle came to me Safe within your arms I can say what's true Nothing in the world I would keep from you You could have been anyone at all An old friend calling out of blue I'm so glad it was you Words can hurt you if you let them People say them and forget them Words can promise words can lie But your words make me feel like I can fly You could have been anyone at all\ And let that catches me when I fall I'm so glad it was you"

Party Hardy?

We tried...

In our attempts to build community, Alex and I tried to throw a holiday party and bring people into our home and love on them cause those are things we both deeply enjoy. Unfortunately our plan failed. The holidays are a hard time to plan anything, nobody ever seems to do exactly what they wanted to do on the holidays or go exactly where they wanted to go.

I will be honest we extremely disappointed that we aren't even on the list of places that people want to go or even on the lists of people to invite to things. But we will make good.
I'm not posting this as a pity party, or for you to feel sorry for us but I wanted to find a discreet way to express my disappointment.

It has been so hard since Alex moved out here in June, we haven't felt like we've found our niche. No one has reached out to Alex and we feel withdrawn and unconnected with people. We have tried various housegroups and nothing really fits with our schedules and with our personalities.

But on the plus side, our fabulous, wonderful friend Lis is coming over on Friday night and I'm gonna make a lovely holiday dinner and we'll do all sorts of chistmasy things and it will be loads of fun. I am very excited. We also tried a new church this Sunday, it was awesome, so close to our house and the people were so friendly, worship was awesome and we both got a lot out of the sermon. The pastor even called me yesterday to welcome us to the church. It was very refreshing. It's nice to feel wanted.

Right now I feel like we are just working to get to California, I know the reality is we probably won't be able to go until after our March celebration, just thinking logically. We both really miss our family and I know Alex really misses his friends.

...What are blogs for if they aren't to express emotions and opinions? Thank God for freedom of speech!

In other news...

Bloggity, blog, blog, blog...

We are moving, we don't know when but hopefully soon. We have decided that we are wimps and can't handle chicago's winters anymore...No I'm just kidding, we really have been feeling a pull to go back home to Cali. We feel all the doors here are closing and tons of doors out there are opening, so right now we are just praying for timing and trying to prepare ourselves for the big move. Alex has sent out his resume, hopefully he'll get hired by someone who wants to pay to relocate us, that would be pretty sweet, but I'm working on trusting that if this is what God wants for us then he will provide.

I'm so excited to be social again, it has been so hard out here, everyone has been so busy, including me and I think that some people have this idea that now that I'm married I don't want to hang out anymore. WRONG! Even my own mother said, "you know, now that your married, you don't have to call me as much, I understand." Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE my husband, but I spend everyday with him, we have an appointed date night every week so we never really have to worry about not spending enough time together.

I AM a SOCIAL person and I need people, lots of people around me, I think I've been isolating myself and kind of turning introverted lately because I've been so tired and stressed with all the changes in my life recently but I'm starting to recover and seriously feeling the void of females in my life. I work all day with men, I come home to a man, when I go to the gym, all men. You get the picture? I am excited to go back to cali and start up some women's ministy type things in our church and really invest in the women out there. I am excited to start acting again at the LPAC. It's been so long. I'm excited to be on a worship team again. I'm excited to get a kitty and a puppy which we are going to do once we get out to cali;). I'm excited to start saving for our baby fund which we'd like to start working on having a baby withing the next 2 years.

Overall, I have mixed feelings, I am sad about losing my life and friends out here but very excited to start my new life with my husband out west with our families.

On a completely separate note, I'm taking a poll, just curious what everyone's favorite Christmas song is. Leave a comment with your fave please.

...Peace out G...

Pictures from Thanksgiving...

Me and Elvis on the streets of Nashville.

Is it just me? Or is it hot in here?

Ho Ho Ho! What!? It's the day after Thanksgiving!

My pops and my husband at The Grand Ole Opry.

The Holidays

This Thanksgiving, my husband and I drove the 9 hours to Athens, Alabama to visit my dad. When we arrived the dinner was incomplete and my dad looked completely helpless and did not know what to do. I ended up cooking our thanksgiving dinner and it turned out great. Our Thanksgiving day was probably very similar to many other peoples, we drove a long distance, we watched football, and we ate probably more than we should have. I realized I was so caught in being anxious about Alex and my dad meeting and spending Thanksgiving with my two guys, I forgot to be thankful. This really disappoints me, Thanksgiving is usually my favorite holiday for many reasons, I love fall, the colors of the leaves, the weather, the family time, and most of all, a day where everyone can think about what they are most thankful about. So, a few days late, I'm posting my list.

Things I am thankful for this year;

• God's mercy and continuous blessings in my life
• Alex
• My family (both old and new)
• My friends who have stuck by me and have supported me even when I couldn't see it.
• (with gritting teeth) my job.

This is just my condensed list.

I am looking forward to the rest of the holiday season and being able to really appreciate the meaning of Christmas. (On a side note, I just realized, I have been blogging since last December, it's almost been a year. Pretty crazy huh? If you'd like to checkout what I had to say last Christmas here's a link)

More on our Wedding

Ok, so my previous posts were kind of brief, so I want to go a little more in depth about our Vegas Wedding.
No, it wasn't my dream wedding. But it wasn't supposed to be. I wanted the most meaningful thing about that day to be that I married Alex Branning, not that I looked amazing (which I didn't), not that there where beautiful flowers everywhere, and not that we had a giant production.

We chose to have a small wedding with only our immediate families. It was incredibly meaningful, it wasn't pretty, this is why I don't have lots of pictures I want to share. The prettiness will come in March. But the pastor who officiated our wedding struck our hearts and even if I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt I still would have only noticed one thing, that Alex and I were being joined together in the presence of God. I was almost in shocked at how strong I felt God's presence there with us. As soon as I started walking down the aisle the tears started streaming and didn't stop until Alex kissed me. My vows came out almost at a whisper and before I knew it, we were married.

So, no. It wasn't the perfect wedding day, in the way that you would normally catergorize a perfect wedding. But to me it was the perfect wedding because I became Alex's wife on that day.

A couple of Pictures

So this is us right after the wedding, his mom got everone bubbles (defenitly not my idea). So that's why their are bubbles everywhere. These are our wedding rings.

Please keep in mind that these are not the professional pictures. Our big day to have nice pictures will be in March.

Update

Sorry guys, the pictures aren't ready:(. I got them back but they turned out really dark so I've got to have my bro photoshop them before they are ready for the public eye. Thank for your patience...;)

Mrs. Branning

Alex and I were married on Friday, November 3rd. on the west coast with our immediate families. The ceremony was absolutely beautiful. The church was all wood and with beautiful antique pews and stained glass windows. The pastor was profound and Alex and I were both blubbering and the pastor had to finally just hand us a whole box of Kleenex. It was really powerful and intimate and when they prayed over us and blessed our marriage I was all tears. Thank God for water proof mascara!

We had such a wonderful time with our families. They were all so happy and in such good spirits and it was such a blessing to see our families bonding.

Alex and I stayed at a hotel in our home town called the Oxford Inn. It was awesome. It had a King size bed and free hot breakfast every morning. Alex's stepdad let us use his sports car all weekend so we had a hot car;). It was fun to just be together and with our families and old friends.

I will try and post some pictures tomorrow.

Thoughts on getting married...Next week!

Well kids, a week from today I will become Mrs. William Alexander Branning. That's a big change. I'm delving head first in the world of in-laws, holidays, 24/7 companionship, and preparing to have a strong and bumpy marriage.

I'm excited yet it's hard to focus on the goal when their are so many distractions of how everyone thinks you should do it their way, the problem is, everyone's ways are different. How can I possible make anyone happy if I'm constantly trying to please everyone?

I was reading this study about what it means to "leave you parents and cleave to your spouse". It really got me thinking, this is going to be a bumpy ride. I know that the mixture of his broken family and my broken family can either create another incredibly broken family or be overcome through the strength of Christ. I haven't even walked down the aisle yet and I already feel like I'm fighting for my marriage.

Not in a bad way, Alex and I obviously haven't had "marital" problems yet but I think that my passion and drive for having a strong healthy marriage kind of puts me on guard. I want all my "i's" dotted and my "t's" crossed. I want God to come first in my marriage. I want to feed my marriage so it will grow and blossom so that it can endure the hardships. I've been reading 5 love languages, per request from Alex. It says that we all have love tanks and if we can figure out how to keep each others love tanks full then we might not be stuck asking,"what happened to the love"?

I have a lot of thoughts on this subject and I think for me this is my version of gardening. Some people I know love to garden, they love the feeling of planting a seed and watering it and feeding it and nurturing till it grows and becomes strong and healthy. For me I feel like my marriage to Alex is this beautiful baby plant that needs lots of love, attention and nurturing. I'm completely prepared to do what it takes, to make sure that my marriage is properly fed.

There is a lot of skepticism in this world, a lot of negativity, even among our family and friends. This can easily plant seeds of destruction into such a young relationship but I believe strongly that God has a purpose for us and that is much more important to me than anything else. I will not give up. I am here for the long run. If I go on I'm gonna start sounding like a Vanessa Williams song.;)

I will finish with this.

"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us."~1 John 4:16-19

Deja Vu'?

October 18, 2006"An Unlikely Banquet"

Van Walton,Proverbs 31 Speaker Team Member,

Director of Hispanic Ministries

Key Verse:Psalm 23:5, “You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies…” (NKJV)

Devotion:The storm raged all night, traveling closer to shore with each passing moment. Waves roared and reached higher than normal. In the morning, although the beach was strewn with chairs, umbrellas, ice chests, and beach toys, the sun rose on a relatively calm shore, except for the busy birds. While rain and wind had created havoc during the night, the tempest had deposited a gift. The surging tide brought with it delicacies from the bottom of the ocean – a feast for the birds living along the edge of the sea.

An obvious sand bar had been created by the recent surge in the sea and, in fascination, I watched as it became a banquet table of sorts. As the powerful waves rushed toward shore, they covered the sand bar. When the water retreated, a buffet table of seafood invited the birds to come and dine on the early morning meal that God and the storm had provided.
I couldn’t help but consider my own life and the storms that have threatened to tear me apart. Yet, those very storms have left behind riches that feed me for a lifetime.
Are you emerging from a storm? Have you found God’s bountiful provision within the raging winds? Have you noticed the good left behind after floods subsided?

As a child, I could hardly fathom the first storm mentioned in the Bible. I asked over and over again, “Why?” Today I believe I know. The storm that Noah endured cleansed, offered a new beginning, disciplined, and taught mighty lessons. Its purpose, according to Scripture, was to cleanse the earth of wickedness. (Genesis 6:5) and create a new start. God protected Noah, a righteous man, and his family from the flood and returned him to a new beginning once the waters disappeared.

Sharing is Caring...

1. I love my new apartment! It's perfect!

2. I'm getting married in two weeks! OMG! ;)

3. I'm definitely still a little stressed out.

4. Alex is meeting my father for the first time next weekend.

5. I got a promotion at work! ;)

6. I love Alex even more than I thought was possible.

7. Despite all the craziness, God is totally blessing my socks off. ;)

That pretty much sums it up for now.

Here's the Story...

So, the past couple weeks a plan has been developing for me and Alex. It was solidified two days ago.

November 3rd., Alex and I are getting married in Vegas with our families!

Before you freak out, let me tell you the story. We prayed about it, talked to a bunch of really wise people and asked our parents opinions, they all gave us the thumbs up (to get married earlier), then Alex's mom came up with this idea, When we fly home Nov. 2nd we can all drive to Vegas as a family and get married. So this is what we are doing, we love the idea, we are still going to have something in march, weather it's a reception, a blessing of the union, or a renewal of the vows, we plan on meeting with pastor and discuss what our options are.

I am very happy about this decision, most of you know that I wasn't to thrilled about having a huge wedding to begin with, so now we get a small intimate family wedding and a big party with our friends. It's ultimately a good compromise for the both of us and we feel a lot of peace about our decision, in fact we are thrilled.

I got to get another dress, smaller, and a lot cheaper for this wedding but still beautiful, and I will still be wearing my big wedding dress in march. We are getting married in the church that Judy Garland got married in, you know how cool that is;).

Side note: We've spoken with our Pastor and he is also for us and said that we can have a blessing of the union in March so all of our friends here can come and celebrate with us. I would also like to Thank you all of you who have been supportive of Alex and my decisions thus far, I cannot express how much it has meant to us. We will continue to see our counselor as well as go to pre-marital counseling. I would also appreciate it if you all would keep us in your prayers for the next couple of months. We have received a couple of people's negativity and we want to really enjoy this place we are at and the fact that we have really, genuinely sought God about this and felt peace and blessed.

Could this be my new abode?

...This could be our Kitchen...
...This could be our Living Room...
...And this could be our Bedroom...

please feel free to comment on how cool you think this place is, because I think it's pretty rad. Closer to 294, pool, fitness center, all the enmities I could possibly want without breaking the bank...;)

A fairy tale...

Once upon a time, 23 years ago, in a castle far, far on the west coast, a baby was born. She was so cute and lovable, her parents called her "Kathy" (fictiscious character). "Kathy" grew up into a funny, attractive young woman, and became betrothed to a young knight who was also from the west coast. "Kathy" and her knight were so happy together they had planned to go apple picking for her 23rd birthday.

Then, as the week approached of "Kathy's" 23rd birthday some awful things happened. First, "Kathy" caught a horrible cold, then the evil weather man cast a horrible spell on the weekend of "Kathy's" birthday and made it so it would rain all day.

"Kathy" was inconsolable. She was so lookingt forward to going apple picking and frolicking in the Orchard with her handsome knight. Just when "Kathy" thought all hope was gone, her handsome, and brave knight came to the rescue, "We will still go to Michigan." Declared the strong knight. "We will celebrate your birthday if I have to slay the weather man myself!"

The joyous couple walked hand in hand along the apple orchards picking apples until they could pick no more.

The end.

(If your curious, it's Saturday, the 30th)

Depression

We are pressed but not crushed; persecuted, not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed.

~2 Corinthians 4:8

For all those soon-to-be brides

Here's some loving for some future brides who want to save money on your wedding, my brother snt me this article, thanks bro;). Also, if you hire me as your wedding coordinator I can find you amazing deals on wedding stuff and I do flowers for half the price a florist would;). (Sorry, had to do some advertising.

Anyway, here is the link

Bride-to-Be

So, I think it's finally starting to sink in that I'm going to be a bride, partly because I found my dress. I found it and I'm ordering it on Monday! Whoo Hoo!

So here is the sagga of the wedding industry. Amazingly affordable dress + $$for alterations = not so affordable dress. So I'm sort of debating on what to do about that one. I guess we'll see when it comes in how much altering it needs. I can't believe everything they try to throw in, you walk in and you say, "I just want a dress." They say, "Oh, well you need these shoes, and this head piece, and this veil, and these alterations, and this slip, and this shawl, and this jewelry. Not to mention a rush charge(bogus!), alterations fee, etc." They could probably make a video game about what goes on in these places, I for one would probably enjoy playing it. Make it in and out of the bridal store without the sale ladies fannagling you into everything in the store. Sounds almost like it could be "The Sims-Wedding Edition". You could have all these codes to get the items cheaper than they sell them at the bridal shops. Maybe I'm just weird but that might just be a fun game.;)

Anyway, I feel a sense of relief and amazement. This is something that I honestly just didn't believe could, or would ever happen to me. For most of my life I even thought I didn't want it. I'm a bride, not a bridezilla, but a bride, who has a dress, flowers, church, and groom. In the words of a dear friend, "I am a babealicious bride." (Lis Stadler)

New Apartment

Well, we are moved in and almost completely unpacked in our new apartment. I think this has been the most eventful move I've ever had, and I've moved a lot.

My roommate and I have continuously had problems sleeping, partly due to the noise level coming from the apartment below us. We see some resolution to that problem coming soon. I think it's also probably the adjustment, just getting used to being in a new place, a new neighborhood, etc, etc... Soon, I will be adjusting to another new place, and then not long after that, another.

The funniest part of these events, in my opinion was not only a source of humor for me, but also an inconvenience.

For those who know me, you know that I have extremely small ears. Well when Amanda and I first moved into our apartment and heard the infamous noise she went out and bought ear plugs, I hate ear plugs, partly having to do with the fact that when I was young I had to have surgery on my ears and for the first six months after, everytime I swam, or even bathed I had to wear ear plugs. So finally the noise became too much and I buckled down and tried to wear a pair of ear plugs, no luck! My ears were to small, even the formable ones were too big. So I gave up.

After an entire weekend with almost no sleep and getting tired of having to call the cops, I went out and bought child size ear plugs, it was amazing, not only did they fit in y teeny ears but they provided me with the quiet to sleep soundly the entire night through. So all this to say, child size ear plugs for the win!

Here is Love...

...vast as the ocean,
Loving kindness as the flood,
When the Prince of Life, our ransom,
Shed for us his precious blood.
Who his love will not remember?
Who can cease to sing his praise?
He can never be forgotten,
Throughout Heav'n's eternal days.

On the mount of crucifixion,
Fountains opened deep and wide;
Through the floodgates of God's mercy
Flowed a vast and gracious tide.
Grace and love, like mighty rivers,
Poured incessant from above,
Heaven's peace and perfect justice
Kissed a guilty world in love.

Amusement Parks

Have you ever noticed the immense attraction to Theme/Amusement Parks?

It's amazing that we will spend $50+ bucks to drive for an hour or two, pay to park, wait in long lines, ride on rides that may cause your heart to explode, they advise pregnant woman and people with heart problems not to ride. Yet, we can't wait to go back and do it again. It's fun like no other.

I have been wanting to go all summer long, I've attempted to set aside the money for such a trip, yet other cost such as moving, etc., having dashed that dream. I don't understand the phenomonom of the excitement and thrill when you go to a place like this, spend the whole day wearing yourself out, possibly getting sunburnt, but yet the next day you feel completley revived. It makes you wonder doesn't it?

Well, anyway. Now that I've moved and can start normalizing my life soon, I plan to go to one of these outrageous places and hopefully it will feed my hunger for a thrill and be just the thing I need to have fun and relax.

...these are my thoughts on amusement parks;)

"This is my life" - Billy Joel

Got a call from a friend we'd used to be real close
Said he couldn't go on the american way
Closed the shop, sold his house, bought a ticket to the west coast
Now he gives them a stand up routine in L.A.

I don't need you to worry for me cause I'm allright
I don't want you to tell me it's time to come home
I don't care what you say anymore this is my life
Go ahead with your own life leave me alone

I never said you had to offer me a second chance
I never said I was a victim of circumstance
I still belong
Don't get me wrong
And you can speak your mind
But not on my time

They will tell you can't sleep alone in a strange place
Then they'll tell you can't sleep with somebody else
but sooner or later you sleep in your own space
Either way it's O.K. you wake up with yourself

I think my heads going to explode!

work...

Body Image

Read this article that my friend Stephanie Fosnight wrote, she interveiwed me and a few of our other freinds for this. It's an excellent article.

Christ the Lord

by Anne Rice

Amazing book!

I just finished it last night. Imagine life for Jesus as a child. Going from city to city and not knowing who you are, the story of your birth, and God's purpose. Like so many of us go about our daily life without realizing God's plan for us. It's a very captivating book. Read it! I know you'll love it!

Do you ever feel?

...I'm tired...

I've had a very busy last couple of weeks. Mostly work and then trying to find social time. It's hard work trying to build and maintain relationship all the while trying to work 40+ hours and maintain a tidy apartment, work on strengthening a relationship, and finding time for laundry, packing, etc.

I don't know about you, but some months it feels like there is more time in the day to do things and other months they just are jam packed. I think the ideal blend were if I made the sam that I make right now and only worked, say 25 hours, then I could make sure my laundry is always done, I'm never late anywhere, I'm always seeing friends, and have plenty of down time. But that would be a dream world my friends, this is reality.

Now that I'm actually analyzing it, I think one of the reasons I have so little time these days is because I've stopped eating out. I cook almost every night and I'm making my breakfast and lunch in the morning. That not only means more time in front of the stove but also more trips to the grocery store. Now don't get me wrong, I love cooking, especially for other people but I never realized how time consuming it is. Because then if your cooking for other people then you are more likely to sit and talk with them for longer.

scenario 1:
A friend and I go to Chili's for dinner - We get to the restaurant, we sit at our booth, order our drinks, and start our conversation. The whole time we are sitting enjoying each others company, we are both off of our feet so we have more time to enjoy each others company, chat, and rest while we wait for our food. The food comes, usually one person eats while the other person talks and it switches back and forth multiple times. Then depending on the situation and how long it takes the server to bring the check you have another good ten minutes to chat. Oh did I mention there is no dish clean up?

scenario 2:
A friend comes over for dinner, which I love - The friend shows up, ideally I've already started the meal and it should be ready soon, I've also taken the time to set a pretty table. The friend and I slowly start up a conversation until the food is ready, all the while my attention is split between the friend and the food. When the food is done I serve the food and we sit down and both move our attention to the food for a while, taking breaks to have small chats. When the meal is over, I rush to clean up so I have more time to chat and spend time with the friend, all the while tiring myself out terribly.

So what it comes down to is this:

Perks of eating out - time saver, energy saver, exciting, relaxing, and good for building relationships. And you don't have to clean up afterwards.

Perks of cooking yourself - You can eat a whole lot healthier, you save money, It increases you creativity, you awe your guest, you can improve your talents in cooking, and it's a great way to serve your friends.

I have no resolution here. I guess I will just continue to cook and only eat out occasionally.

Update

Sorry to my viewers for being absentee. I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off.

In other news: Alex and I started couple counseling (haven't started pre-marital yet), it has been uber intense. Unleashing a lot of bottled up emotion I didn't even know was there, which I guess is the point of going to counseling. Anyway, I'm working two jobs which are taking up a lot of my time, trying to spend time with my fiancee, my roommate, and my close friends, all the while trying to keep my sanity and life in balance.

My roommate and I are excited that we found a new apartment. It's located in Rogers Park very near quite a few friends, which will be great to promote more building of community. It's also walking distance to Alex's house;).

I enjoyed a fabulous girls night out on Saturday with my some of my bridesmaids. It was much needed and I swear chocolate fondue is therapeutic. I had a lovely visit with a dear friend who came to visit from Georgia on Sunday and got back to the grind on Monday. I'm trying my hardest to find balance and have some time management success. It's very hard when your trying to afford living out here.

Wedding planning is fun, I think Alex and I have found a good balance of this week we'll research flowers and next week we'll take the week off from talking about wedding planning. I finally got him to tell me where we are going for our honeymoon and I'm overjoyed. I'm not big on surprises and if anyone knows me they know how picky I am about what clothes I bring where. We aren't going to disclose to anyone else where we are going we want to make it fun and maybe have a little competition on our website. We're still working out all the details. Speaking of which, if you haven't had a chance to visit our website it's www.AlexandKathy.com. It's a place for people to view what's going on with our wedding plans, the where, the when, the why. You can see pictures and our online journal, our registries are listed and it also let's you RSVP on our site. All I have to say, marrying a web site designer for the win!

So many people have advised us to make sure we have fun. This is actually a harder task than it seems. We plan on going to Navy Pier this weekend but when your finances are tight (and your fiancee doesn't have a job) it's hard to get motivated to have fun.

We plan on flying out to California in September to visit our families and have some fun so that'll be good. I'm so excited about planning parties and just having excuses to get people together. It's great. I miss being with big groups of people who know how to have a good time. I'm tired of playing this all work no play role. I'm ready for some fun loving Kathy time!

Prepare yourselves!

Seamstress?

Does anyone know of any skilled seamstress who would be willing to make a dress on a humble budget?

:)

Being like minded

Imitating Christ's Humility

"If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like mided, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interest of others.

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who being in the very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father." - Philippians 2:1-11

So to me this verse is very hard. I struggle very heavily with people pleasing. It has reached a significant all time high as of recent. On one hand you can say, people pleasing is making sure everyone else is happy so it's a very selfless act, right? Wrong. It has very selfish motives. In my needs to be more in community, which I still am really not very sure how to do, I've somehow switched on my people pleasing button without being aware. Motives behind, If I can please everyone then I will win them then I will be in community, in the midst making my spiritual life and my real relationships suffer as well as losing my true self.

The hardest part, career wise, I am now doing what I love. My finances are doing better and I'm seeing fruit in my trusting in that area. So why does having gratitude to God make me feel farther from him. Do I need to constantly be struggling to be close to him? I don't want to not need him anymore because he's answered my hearts cry. Not saying that I don't need him anymore but it does seem like all the areas that I needed his help in most where it felt like he was not even hearing my cries he's come through in full and blessed me way beyond what I asked for. Am I just used to always needing in that certain way and now that I need him in a different way, I don't know how to ask.

I need to be selfless in my community, not really sure what that looks like. The only things I can think of are trying to people please and then when it doesn't work out I get mad and then since I'm mad that I'm people pleasing I start rebelling. It's a vicious cycle.

So my questions is, Are we being like-minded as a community with Christ, and if some of us are struggling how is a loving, selfless way to help one another out?

I'm engaged!

So, it's official! I'm engaged! Alex proposed tonight on our five monthiversary!

He took me to the outback for dinner and then we went to the botanical gardens where in a secluded garden of our own he sang to me and then got down on one knee.

He said, "I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to go to sleep looking at you, wake up next to you, and live my life with you. Will you marry me?"

I of course said yes!;)

Boundaries

This is a most uncomfortable thing for me to do. Because this is an area of concern I need to be completely transparent.

In most dating relationships there is a natural progression of physical intimacy. If no barriers are put into place, this progression generally leads to sexual intercourse. Most experts agree that once couples move beyond hugging and light kissing, hormones encourage further physical contact.

So here is the natural progression:

1. No Physical Involvement
2. Holding Hands
3. Kissing
4. French Kissing
5. Light Petting 'hands on top of clothes'
6. Moderate Petting 'hands under clothes'
7. Heavy Petting 'clothing removed'
8. Intercourse

So here are some crucial attitudes and actions I'll need to take;

• Responsibility

It is important to remember that it is my responsibility to stay pure, not the responsibility of someone else.

• Accountability

Eccl 4:9; Heb 3:13. Here are some great questions to answer and be asked;

-When was your last date (time alone)?

-Did anything happen that was inappropriate(Answer with details)?

-Did anything happen that was risky or stupid(Alone at night, etc.)?

-What guidelines are you seeking to hold?

-Have you violated those guidelines?

-Is there anything you need to do right now to safeguard your purity in your relationship?

-Why do you want to protect your purity?

• Convictions

As much as wanting a pure relationship is a desirable end, it's not really enough. If the actions of the person are not backed by solid Biblical convictions, they are not as strong as you might think.

• Bottom Line:

The clear warning of Scripture is to avoid any physical involvement with the opposite sex that excites desires which cannot be legitimately fulfilled. So how far is too far?

An argument can be made that holding hands and a light hug or kiss for most (but not for all individuals) is not 'crossing the line'.

So, here is our bottom line, no petting of any standard. If we cross that bottom line, there will be a consequence. I will blog it and go to my overseers and accountability team.

• Other boundaries;

-Alone together in our apartments past 1am or overnight

-Traveling together where there's an overnight stay. One room in a hotel maybe cheaper, but not at the expense of our purity.

-Alone in our rooms together -keep door open

If we come up with anymore, I will post them. But for now. Here it is. Me being transparent.

Goals!

Short term goals for the remainder of 2006:

• Get back into the word
• learn how to listen to God better
• Have as much fun as possible
• Take advantage of everything the city has to offer without breaking the bank or any laws;)
• Dive into community and hanging out with everyone!
• sell my car
• get a new job

Long Term Goals:

• Get back into shape *eh*
• get further into leadership
• Possibly attend VLI
• Possibly start a women's group of some caliber

I'm Back!

So, even though I've physically been back for a little over a week now, I'm now spiritually and emotionally back now too.


I was starting to get a little worried there for a second. Did my trip change me, is the Kathy I've spent so much sweat and tears in finding go away? I had a hard week last week. I felt dissapointed, dissorientated, hurt, and confused.


To sum up what brought my heart back...


"Be real to me."


"Breathe on me now as I bow down, I'm desperate Lord for more of you"


"Come satisfy until I am even more in need of you"


"God's timing"


"Why did you not fullfill your promises?"


"Go get prayer for your allergies"


"Break the spirit of poverty"


"me: we want to come visit you for fathers day. him: no. I don't have time for you."


"Your personality is a blessing to others"


"Leaders Dessert?"


"spirit of adoption"


"prayer is no longer a dirty word"


"I'll go to babys 'r' us with you"


"Baker Square anyone?"


So that in a nutshell is how I found myself again. I still need to work on more fear and trust issues but you know how that goes. Thanks to everyone who stuck by my side when I acted like a meany.

I need a Miracle

Many nights we pray
With no proof anyone could hear
And our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understood
Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains long
Before we knew we could
There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
You will when you believe

In this time of fear
When prayer so often proves in vain
Hope seems like the summer birds
Too swiftly flown away
And now I'm standing here
My hearts so full I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I'd say

There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
You will when you believe

They don't always happen when you ask
And it's easy to give in to your fear
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see your way safe through the rain
Thought of a still resilient voice
Says love is very near...

I've been praying for help, I've been told that he was going to make me more dependant on him. If this is what that looks like, I don't want it anymore. Haven't I gone without enough?

I'm not trying to whine, but then again, maybe I am. I don't see why this needs to happen, I don't see the purpose, I don't see the good that is going to come out of this...

I'm holding on to love.

Dinner anyone?

So, I thought I'd just throw this out there...if anyone is reading this and has any desire at all to have Alex and myself over for dinner please don't hesitate to call, it would be good to have some socialization as he is new here and we both are very tight on funds until we get settled;) Not a plea, just a suggestion;)

Have a nice day!

An Urgency?...A prompting of the Holy Spirit?

So lately I have been feeling a sense of urgency, for the kingdom, to grow closer into communion with my heavenly Father. There are so many questions, so many convictions, so many things to lift up in prayer, why can't I just do that, maybe I need a silent retreat of some sort or maybe God intends for me to do this inspite of the chaos around me.

"The Fruit of the Spirit" - I've never really had the warm fuzzies when learning about the fruit of the spirit. Galations 5:22 "but the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness." So these are to be developed to help nourish other believers, convert non believers, and cause spiritual growth for ourselves? Ok, so love. Check. Joy. Check. Peace. Working on it. Patience. Working on it. Kindness. Not really sure. Goodness. How can this really be achieved? Faithfulness. Check.

I was reading a journal entry of David Berkowitz, and it made me think. Do others still benefit from our fruits during the "pruning" process. I want to see it. I want to see God using me in others life. I want to make a difference, but how can I do that when I am so focused on me? I'm sure that there are many who can relate. I want to grow my fruits more rich and abundant. I want to be equipped to pour out into others. I remember at the end of my second time going through Living Waters, I told Matt, the coordinator, "I have been poured into so much and been so blessed and enriched by this ministry, I'm overflowing, I need to contribute in some way, let me serve." I was so passionate about it. I still have the passion inside of me for the ministry I am just tired and need to be filled again. I want to be a part of raising up more women who don't see themselves as leaders, come to a place where they are walking in the truth of who they are. The restored version.

I still feel this restlessness and I can't pinpoint it. I need to move, I need to start doing something to further the kingdom. I'm wrestling with what is in the quote below by Nelson Mandella, Who am I to further the kingdom, who am I not to? I am a child of God, redeemed by his love! How can I just say, "Ok, Whew! I have eternal salvation, now let me focus on raising a family and securing retirement." No. This is not my goal, this is not my purpose, or God's design. I am an ambassador of the gospel and I need to be excited enough about it to tell people. Why am I so timid, what is this mind set of "I don't want to push anything on people","If they ask, I'll tell them". This isn't what drug dealers do, this isn't what people who don't care for your eternity do. They push! I'm not saying that I'm gonna go out and try to push people to become Christians or force anyone into following Christ, but I am going to start praying and asking God to give me more opportunities to share his love and his mercy. There are people being killed for their faith right now. I am sitting in my office trying to figure out why I am so discontent with my life.

The answer is, I'm envious of those people, I'm envious of the man who is sitting behind bars right now with fellow inmates plotting his death because he is spreading God's love. I'm envious of those people and their obedience and I want to be like them, I want to be like Paul. I want to encourage the church in their walk and show unbelievers how to walk, in the midst of my obstacles and trials. I'm envious of the people who are called to leave everything, all of life's comforts to plant a church.

that is all for now. Cheerio!

Uno Mas

Quote from Nelson Mandella:

"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,but that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?Actually, who are you not to be?You are a child of God.Your playing small does not serve the world.There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.It is not just in some; it is in everyone.And, as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously giveother people permission to do the same.As we are liberated from our fear,our presence automatically liberates others."

That is all.

More thoughts on community...

So after much reflection and thought I think I have some reasons as to why I avoid community. Most people assume that when someone is isolating themselves it is because they are sinning in some way and do not want to face the community who will call them out or judge them if they really knew what they were doing.

This is not my case. Now, I am not denying that I am a sinner, we have all fallen short of the glory of God, yet he still gives (on a side note). So why am isolating then?

I think for some reason, I've always considered myself an "outsider". I've always observed others and done my own things, sure I'll join in and create some fabulous memories, I've had some truly amazing friendships with people, and then they fade, they grow cold and empty, and then they end. I think it is one of the hardest things in the world to experience.

You might be asking, "why does she consider herself an outsider?" Well, these are among some of my lame excuses. I was raised in a small, poor, broken, family who did not know how to communicate like normal human beings. Now you might say, "well Kathy, most people are from broken homes these days, you aren't any different from JoeSchmoe." Well, my response to that is you are right but for some reason, my brokenness may set off something in JoeSchmoe's brokenness that may ignite some sort of cosmic meltdown. But if I were to go around life with this fear, I would stay locked up in a white padded room. So obviously a lame excuse, that will need to be ruled out.

Next reason, I'm messy. I'm afraid of spilling over onto other people and creating something for someone else to clean up. Again, it seems like the theme here is fear. I know that right now is a time in my life were overcoming fear "has" to be my theme. So again, this holds no flame.

An absolute ridiculous reason, my ministry. I've never seemed to be able to crack the code to any of the "normal" ministries. Worship, that is one ministry I've been trying to be "called" to my entire life. But the ministry that has been placed on my heart for the time being is Living Waters, for the relationally and sexually broken. It's not a pretty ministry, it's intense and there is a lot of crying and overflow of emotions and old stuff being brought out. But at the same time an overflow of God's presence and healing and mercy is also poured out. It's one of those ministries that no one really thinks is for them but in reality, EVERYONE could benefit from it. Not saying God can't heal people in other ways but it's a great way to make a commitment to restoration and learning how to function again in a healthy Godly way. Some pastors just decide that, their church doesn't really need it. It's not part of the "norm".

These are some of the "reasons"/"excuses" I give to not being in community, why they wouldn't except me. I'm not really sure what to do about it but I know that I cannot give those excuses anymore and somehow by posting them here it's me saying I refuse to claim those anymore.

We will see...

This may not be my last post for the day...

Emotions

I need to have a rant about emotions. I'm tired of being at the brunt of people's negetive emotions. This has happen to me more times than I'd like to count this month. It fights with what I'm trying to believe in my own life, that emotions are good. I am a very emotional person, this fact I've had learn to accept because that is how God made me and he will use that side of me. These are some boundaries I've made for myself, as I am very aware of my emotions and when they are unstable and etc...

Rule #1, I never make a decision when my emotions are out of control. I may want to quit my job, break up with my boyfriend, or beat up someone of authority, but none of those things would bring me any good.

Rule #2, Never take out my emotions on someone who they are not meant for and if I slip and do, apoligize right away.

Rule #3, Pray and ask what God wants me to do with these emotions and how he would like me to react in circumstances.

I know that if I were to let my emotions dictate the way I lived my life, I would probably be locked away forever, unsafe to be around society.

Why am I posting this you ask? Well, I'll tell you.

I am a creative person, I utilize the right side of brain a bit more than the left side. Because of that, I've learned that when something is hard for me to handle or I'm having a dry period in my life, or discontent or any of those things, the most relaxing and theraputic thing for me is to find a creative outlet. As silly as it sounds, speaking my mind through a colorful blog seems like the perfect creative outlet for as of now.

I am three days away of making a huge change in my life, taking an incredible leap of faith and need help. I am not good at asking for help from friends. I'm not good at calling people up and saying, "I just need someone to talk to". I desire community yet fear it. I am indepent by nature yet I am called to be completley dependant upon God.

By the power of God, fear was broken in my life last week, it was so huge, yet I had few to tell of this great joy too. Most probably aren't even aware that up till now, my life has been run by fear. As I'm trying to uncover the great mysteries of investing in close female friends who are not muniplative or controlling. It is yet another area of life where I must just jump. All relationships are a risk. It took everything in me to trust God and letting my boyfriend pursue me, it was a risk, still is. Now, I must pursue friendships with women (plural). Women that I let into my secret places and that I in turn get to know. Women that I could share with and rejoice in their victories, etc... It's just taking that intial step, one foot in front of the other.

Any comments would be most appreciated.

I've posted some pictures of my current work on my website. If you haven't already checked it out, do so.;)

http://envisions-design.com

more intriguing thoughts to come...

Just Remember, no matter what happens here, NO ONE can take away who you are and who you were created to be. Those are YOURS. No matter how people treat you or mistreat you, no matter what choices you make or don't make, no matter who really loves or doesn't see/appreciate your worth. NO ONE can take YOU away from YOU. Your desires, your loves, your passions, those are untouchable, NO ONE can take those.

Paint Rocks!

Need A Designer?

www.envisions-design.com

Check it out!

How do I realistically apply this?

"Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every oppertunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone."
-Colossians 4:5-6

I will take the faith challenge!

Faith: Confident belief in the truth, value, or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing. Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence. The theological virtue defined as secure belief in God and trusting acceptance of God's will. Complete confidence in a person or plan etc;

Faith is in general the persuasion of the mind that a certain statement is true(Phil.1:27; 2 Thess. 2:13). It's primary idea is trust. A thing is true, and therefore worthy of trust. It admits of many degrees up to full assurance of faith, in accordance with the evidence on which it rests.

-Dictonary.com

I believe faith is important to us as born again christians as it is the foundation of why we live as we live. If we have faith in God, we are believing what he says is true and that he will fullfill his promises.

"...not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ-the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith." - Philipians 3:9

How can we heal the sick without faith? how can we serve the poor without faith? How can we love without faith?

198 words- Thank you very much!

http://kathy.youaremighty.com/

Check it out!

yea of little Faith...

By Faith

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for.

By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible. By faith Abel offered God a better sacrifice than Cain did. By faith he was commended as a righteous man, when God spoke well of his offerings. And by faith he still speaks, even though he is dead.

By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death; he could not be found, because God had taken him away. For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God. And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he way going. By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God.

By faith Abraham, even though he was past age-and Sarah herself was barren-was enabled to become a father because he considered him faithful who had made the promise. And so from this one man, and he as good as dead, came descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as countless as the sand on the seashore.

All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised;they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country-a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.

By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had received the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, even though God had said to him, "It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned." Abraham reasoned that God could raise the dead, and figuratively speaking, he did receive Isaac back from death.

By faith Isaac blessed Jacob and ease in regard to their future.

By faith Jacob, when he was dying, blessed each of Joseph's sons, and worshipped as he leaned on the top of his staff.

By faith Joseph, when his end was near, spoke about the exodus of the Israelites from Egypt and gave instructions about his bones.

By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be known as the son of Pharoh's daughter. He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a short time. He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward. By faith he left Egypt, not fearing the king's anger; he preserved because he saw him who is invisible. By faith he kept the Passover and the sprinkling of blood, so that the destroyer of the firstborn would not touch the firstborn of Israel.

By faith the people passed through the red sea as on dry land; but when Egyptians tried to do so, they were drowned.

By faith the walls of Jericho fell, after the people had marched around them for seven days.

By faith the prostitute Rahab, because she welcomed the spies, was not killed with those who were disobedient.

And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel, and the prophets, who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, quenched the fury of flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. Women received back their dead, raised to life again. Others were tortured and refused to be released, so that they might gain a better resurrection. Some faced jeers and flogging, while others were chained and put in prison. They were stoned; they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated-the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, and in caves and holes in the ground.

These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect."

-Hebrews 11

You've Proven you're point...

Once again, God has proven to me that I can't do anything by my own strength...

So, my boyfriend and I are both going through a really tough time and could both use a lot of prayer. I'm starting to realize that no matter how much healing I go through and how much I want a healthy relationship, I'm still not the perfect girlfriend, heck I'm not perfect period. Our longing to do things right is good because it carries us to the cross, but we have to realize that unless we actually admit and accept that we can't do it without the cross then we are going to drop our mask one day and it will be devastating to realize that we are not perfect and that others can see that as well.

I deal with the thoughts of letting people down if they know that I'm not always together, if Kathy doesn't have a smile on her face, we don't want to be around her. I'm trying to work this all out. I don't have anything profound to share. I don't have any words of wisdom. I'm just bringing my stuff to the table.

Growing up, the scariest thought to me was when they said at church, "all of your sins will be revealed one day." If that thought scares you like it did me. Start now. Share them with someone you trust. Start with a leader in the church or someone who won't judge you. Putting all this out there really helps me because now anyone who has internet access has the ability to see my weakness. But they also have the ability to see God come into my weakness and work some pretty amazing miracles.

My doubting Thomas syndrome has come to it's full circle, I have felt with my fingers. I believe! God is faithful, he will provide. No matter how screwed up we feel, no matter how much we think our circumstance sucks, he is in the midst of it and all you have to do is invite him into your mess.

Peace be with you.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think on these things." - Philippians 4:8

"Therefore, brothers, Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable; if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think on these things." - Philipians 4:8

-I'm trying...

This weekend was amazing! I'm so excited about this new adventure I'm embarking on. I asked God for change and he was like here it is!

My relationship with Alex has been such a stretching experience. His loving me challenges the way I view myself and the way I am in relationships with others.

It scares me to death sometimes thinking, If I let someone love me and I let them down that would be worse than not being loved at all.

This is not true at all. It is much better to cast my cares upon the Lord, for he will sustain me. Man was not created to be alone but to embrace community with others. I am trying to do just that. I seem to be under a lot of attack as I'm trying to get closer to people and further my relationship with Alex. Feelings of unworthiness, fear of abandonment, things like that. The fact of the matter is that God has not created me to live in fear or to be weighed down with worry and doubt. I think I'm starting to feel like Doubting Thomas (time appropriate?) Except I want to make sure that love and community is real, that I can feel the affects and know that it's really there. I am praying for the faith to just believe in the power of love and community and acknowledge that it is for me and that I can receive it, there's no action that I need to do or people that I need to impress before I can receive but I need to be open to receiving it and live in fear of what might happen or not happen tomorrow.

That's all of my ranting for now.

Listed below are 25 things that were true of me five years ago but that are no longer true. These aren't meant to be good or bad, just a sampling of how my life has changed. And they are all surface-level and meant to be fun. Feel free to post yours in the comments. If you post them on your blog, please leave a link to it in the comments to this post.

1. I worked at an ice cream shop and a fabric store
2. I went to church but Jesus wasn't considered a friend yet.
3. I could stay up till all hours of the morning and not pay for it the next day.
4. I was in an unhealthy relationship
5. I lived in California
6. I watched TV-especially Pokemon...
7. I was subjected to way too much punk music
8. I had no vision or dreams for my life
9. I had short hair
10. I didn't even know what taxes were.
11. I wasted hours of my life doing nothing
12. I didn't know how to play any musical instruments
13. I ate macaroni and cheese
14. I was dissatisfied with my life
15. All I wore was flip flops
16. I had never experienced a white Christmas
17. I had never been to Chicago
18. I slept in a twin bed
19. I smoked
20. I listened to a lot of Sara Vaughn
21. I didn't cook
22. I had a scottie dog named charli
23. I didn't own a "winter coat"
24. I had never eaten Thai food
25. I didn't know my potential.

This is for you David:

David is so cool that when I think about his coolness I spew chocolate milk out of my nose...

Ok, but really, I don't really have anything profound to blog about so I will just give you all an update of Kathy's world. So, Alex is coming to spend Easter with me and he'll be here in less than 3 days and I'm extremely excited! Alex is an amazing man, strong, responsible, respects me, and loves me. It is so awesome for me to experience this. It is a step of faith for me as well as a beautiful picture of things that I'd always hoped for and never expected.

I'm really excited to see spring in bloom. What a glorious time, new life, not only the weather thaws but people's attitudes as well. You see more smiles, people aren't heavy laden with parka's and snow boots. Everyone is in love...Including me. This really is a new season and I'm so excited to see what other things are to come.

I didn't go to Alabama, my dad is surviving, I'm not sure what exactly he's doing but I'm trying to practice good boundaries and not try to parent him. This summer is going to be a wild ride. I have no idea what to expect but I know that big and exciting things are going to happen. I feel a lot of joy right now.

"Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart...Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life."--Steve Jobs, June 2005 @ Stanford

This quote right here is why I live like I do. Yes I want to have a family, yes I want to have security, but we are called to something higher than all of these things. I have nothing to lose as long as I'm seeking God in everything I do. This is why I had no fear about moving 2000 miles at 19 with two suitcase in hand and less than $400 to my name. If we don't step out of our comfort zones and follow God's calling to something bigger than ourselves, this world, then what are we living for? Gain? I don't think so. What can we gain if we don't take risk? Mediocrity.

You feel that restlessness? Do feel something stirring inside you? Follow it. Go. Even if it's takes only to the house down the street, to another city, state, or even country. Go. Even if it's only to the grocery store, God is here to change people's lives and he wants to use us. It can be at the train station, it can be at the pulpit, it can be in your office or at home. He wants to use you. He wants more for you than you can hope for. Go.

We are here for only a short time. I don't know about you but I don't want to wait till my kids are in college before I let God use me. I want to do it now! I want the best that God has for me and I'm willing to be uncomfortable or even experience some growing pains to be able to enjoy it to the fullest. I want to be rich in Christ.

-"Let the poor man say I am rich in him"

On this rock of ages, I shall not be moved

On this rock of ages, I shall not be moved

Just like a tree that's planted by the water

I shall not be moved

Glory, glory, glory

hallelujah, I shall not be moved

Glory hallelujah, I shall not be moved

Just like a tree that's planted by the water

I shall not be moved

-Johnny Cash

Random Facts about Kathy
1. I have always been the girl who's just like a little sister.
2. It bugged the hell out of me until recently.
3. I do not like the idea of being "today's woman". I don't watch sex and the city and I don't watch desperate housewives.
4. I love being around people who are encouraging and that believe in me because I have a hard time believing in myself.
5. I love old musicals, especially "Hello Dolly" and anything with Judy Garland.
6. I pay way too much for my car.
7. I love my car. It is an absolute blessing.
8. I sing everywhere I go.
9. I like spooky things like "Unsolved Mysteries" but I cannot sit through a scary movie for the life of me.
10. I used to get angry before I would cry, now it's the other way around.
11. Jesus said, "what you do unto the least of these, you do unto me."
12. I am dating a celebrity.
13. I love my husband...Whoever he is.
14. I'm excited to share that moment with him when I realize that it's him.
15. I never doubted.
16. I don't respond well to compliments because I feel like their is always something attached.
17. I think marriage is an awesome thing and I would love to get married someday
18. I believe it is a choice to love someone for the rest of your life and that it may be a choice you have to make every single day.
19. Is there anyone who hasn't "almost" committed suicide?
20. I gained weight because of a lazy boyfriend.
21. Then when we broke up, I got a whole lot more attention from guys then when I was skinny. Must of been the confidence.
22. When we were growing up, me and my brother hated each other, he resented me because he thought I was the favorite, I resented him because I was ignored for his "problem".
23. Now I love him so much nothing else matters.
24. I have yet to grieve all of the lost relationships in my lifetime.
25. I used to be addicted to cigarettes because I thought they calmed me down.
26. Jesus drank wine.
27. I respect people who don't drink for personal reasons but it makes me feel guilty when I want to drink.
28. I hate gambling with a passion and would never do it.
29. I have a thing for tall guys.
30. I am an "arm" girl.
31. I enjoy swimming but don't do it as much as I would like to because I don't believe in indoor pools but I live in Chicago.
32. I only date Christians (one in particular)
33. I view money as evil and wish that we could go back to bartering if that was the way that society ran I would be rich.
34. I love simplicity.
35. Except when it comes to cute clothes and shoes.
36. People laugh at me when I tell them I used to be shy and that I am shy at first.
37. I am the life of the party if I'm comfortable
38. Compassion is one of the most important things to me. It is very difficult for me when there is someone that I cannot have compassion for. I get royally ticked when people don't have compassion for others just because they have no idea what it's like.
39. I'm addicted to blogging
40. When I talk on the phone to people I'm not close with I sound like I'm professional.
41. I am stumped when people ask me my favorite color.
42. I love music from the 40's.
43. I hate punk music, especially emo.
44. I'm not physically attracted to someone until I am attracted to who they are.
45. I get scared of sharing my life with someone for the rest of my life. I'm get scared of the thought of not sharing my life with someone for the rest of my life.
46. I can't stand mushrooms.
47.I've given up drinking soda at least 4 times in the past two years.
48. I was born 7 days after my mom's b-day.
49. If I could bring my dad to Christ I would die happy.
50. I would die if that's what it took for him to be saved
51. I would die to have a relationship with him.
52. I don't like talking about politics.
53. I don't believe in war. Jesus never found it necessary.
54. I would rather be with a man that respected me than a man that "wanted" me.
55. You can tease me as long as it doesn't hurt.
56. I believe very strongly in communication. Just look at my phone bill.
57. I cry at commercials, that's another reason I don't watch TV.
58. I don't like movies that are sad or too violent.
59. I will not wear a two piece swimsuit or a belly button piercing.
60. Sometimes I like how I look and sometimes I don't, but most of the time I do.
61. Good Genes
62. Girls that let men devalue them make me sad.
63. Girls that think that's ok make me mad.
64. I used to be one of those girls.
65. I used to be sporty when I lived in So Cal.
66. I don't really like watching sports on TV but I like going to games at stadiums and stuff.
67. I really enjoyed watching the Cubs beat the Dodgers and I don't know why.
68. I'm tired of people telling me to go on American Idol.
69. I wish I could see my dad more.
70. I am scared of bugs.
71. NEVER pretend your hand is a bug crawling on my neck, I will sock you in the face.
72. I get frustrated when people hide behind their false persona's.
73. I always wanted to be a theater major.
74. But I valued my faith and morals too much.
75. I live everyday by faith and gratitude but I wish that I were more deserving.

Kathy Update

I had my world shaken up a little last night. I got a phone call after I had gone to bed from my Father. He sounded scared and panicky like someone who just needs a friend to listen. This was a first for me, I listened to my father's situation and the drama from his life and tried to be as comforting as possible. But I was in shock mostly due to the fact of my overwhelming compassion for this man. All of the things he never gave me, all of the times he was never there for me and here I am crying for him. The thing that struck the worst in my heart was that it seemed like he really had nobody else. He has no friends, he lost his wife, and by his own damn fault doesn't talk to my brother as much as he should.

So, I might be called to take the 10 hour drive down to Alabama and try to help my father who is unable to get around himself and needs to find an apartment. I want to do what God would have me do, not out of pity, not out of feeling obligated, but out of love, undeserved love, but nonetheless love.

I find it so utterly confusing that someone who has affected my life in such a negative way and that done an awful job in loving me has my unconditional love yet I find it so hard to learn how to love others who have not hurt me. I know that God is the source of my love and my roommate said something last night that felt very redeeming, she said that I am unable to love on my own and that God will continue to enable me to love and that I'm really not crazy. God gives me enough love to give to those that he would have me love. I guess right now my dad needs a lot of love.

Please pray for me and my family this week and if I am to go to Alabama that I would be able to trust God with my own life.

Thanks friends.

28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Matthew 11:28-30

So now what do I do?

I need something that I don't have the option to become a work-a-holic in. I need something that is going to let me do the things in life that bring me joy. I need something that is going to let me do other things in general. I can't believe I would have to work so much just to survive. Is it really a question of if I could get something else or is it more of a question of do I trust that God will provide even if I'm not working my behind off.

The fact of the matter is that I'm not happy doing what I'm doing, besides the fact that I keep having to push myself until I get sick and then have to bring my world to a complete stop in order to get back to square 1. I'm tired and I'm ready for this to change. I was reading about Peter last night and the act of him dropping his net out of faith because Jesus said he should. Am I lacking the faith to drop my net, is this my net? It sure does seem like I have a lot more to lose than Peter did. He may of been tired and frustrated just like I am but what did he have to lose by letting down his net one more time?

If this is my net, and I am supposed to just leave this job and devote myself to ministry, how do I pay my car payments? How do I pay rent? How do I pay all of my bills? Am I to completely trust that somehow, miraculously, Jesus is going to take care of all of these expenses for me?

Well, I guess this is something for me to be praying about. If you think of it, please say a prayer for me as well. Thanks.

Note: When there is a lack of comments on my blog it discourages me to blog any further post, I love it when I am out somewhere and someone tells me they have read my blog but if you read please leave a comment just letting me know you are here, sometimes I think I'm the only one reading my blogs so I am surprised when folks do tell me they've read it but they have no response, maybe a suggestion, maybe just a hi, I don't want to beg for comments but I will say that a lack of comments makes me a have a case of bloggers block so there will be a shortage of blogging on my end.

Today

Do you ever think, "today is a throw away day"? What constitutes as a "throw away day"? If one bad thing happens? If you don't feel good, or happy? Does it mean that the day was wasted and meaningless or does it just mean that you wish it had gone better? What happens if you impact someone's life on one of your "throw away days" and you find out later? Would you still consider it a "throw away day"?

There is a song called "I'm gonna live for today". One of the lines in the song is "I'm gonna set my mind on the here and the now". I want to live like that, I want to make every moment a "keeper". There shouldn't ever have to be a "throw away day", sure there are things that are going to happen in our days that we would like not to happen or things that we would like to happen but we can't let that make any moment feel like it was wasted. Every second, every minute, every day we are learning. Every move we make, every choice we make, we learn.

Another line says "making every moment count and counting every single blessing". I'd like to make the point that every moment is a blessing, even if it doen't feel like it, we have been put here for a reason and we can seek to make it a "keeper" day. I know that when I'm in a bad mood or don't feel well that is the last thing I want to hear but I think it is good (especially for me) to remember that it doesn't have to be a"throw away day". Don't settle for a "throw away day".

(even if there is a blizzard outside and it's the day before St.Patty's day)

You want the inside scoop?

For those of you who would like to know all about me and Alex and veiw the pics from our adventures together here it is http://alexandkathy.blogspot.com. I will try to update it frequently.

What a web we've weaved...

I examine my life on a daily basis, every day I am enlightened by something different. Today, actually it's been building all week, I have come to see that I am surrounded by opportunities, not for financial gain, but for spiritual gain. I'm 70% focused during the week on how I can achieve my financial goals and balancing this and that, and I am 30% focused on what is actually going on in my life. I'm unbalanced.

I have a countless amount of people who I can invest in and use the gifts that God HAS given me to bless those people and in return receive HIS blessings. I'm too quick too assume it is my responsibility to get myself in a place where HE can better use me. Who am I to assume I know how HE wants to use me. I am disappointed in myself yet hopeful to start stepping out more into the roles that HE has set before me. It's so hard to let go of control. I should know that HE is my provider and every ounce of gain I've ever had was provided by HIM.

My heart longs to be doing what I was made for but it seems like I'm the one standing in the way of getting there. I have been filled with so much love yet I alone am incapable of sharing that with anyone let alone those dearest to my heart. I am so blessed. I am rich in spirit and in love and those things really are the most valuable. God will provide a window, a door, a path, a way. I just have to lay down my control and hand over the steering wheel.

I have a lot of love right now...

Change...

I was told today by my boss that I "changed my hairstyle alot". I responded by saying, "I like change". It made me think, why is it that I change things so often, am I afraid of becoming bored or getting comfortable. It's funny how something as simple as a comment about my hair could make me evaluate why I do something.

I do like change, I like moving(houses), I like meeting new people, I like growing, I like moving forward. I've made alot of changes recently in my life and I'm still anticipating more to come. I've realized I don't fear change but rather I welcome it. I am never content with where I'm at, there always seems to be something else I can work on and some other area I can be growing in. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not a perfectionist, very far from it actually.

I have seen how far I have come and I have faith in how far I can go. Most of all, I love seeing God move, and sometimes I associate God moving with everything else moving too. Which limits God, as in saying " God can't move if I'm standing still". On the contrary, sometimes that is the very thing that God asks of us so that he can move in a powerful way, "just be", is a powerful phrase.

I know around Christmas I wrote about how hard it is to "just be". I'm starting to appreciate that state more and more as I come to a whirlwind in my life, all I want to do is "just be" in his prescence and recieve. This year God has stretched my understanding of how I can recieve. I recieve by just being in his prescence, recieving prayer, recieving love from others, giving love to others, praying for others, being part of community, etc....

I am ready for the next change to happen, whether it be with my hair, my job, my wardrobe, my living situation, my location, my ministry, my spiritual walk, I'm ready...