So lately I have been feeling a sense of urgency, for the kingdom, to grow closer into communion with my heavenly Father. There are so many questions, so many convictions, so many things to lift up in prayer, why can't I just do that, maybe I need a silent retreat of some sort or maybe God intends for me to do this inspite of the chaos around me.
"The Fruit of the Spirit" - I've never really had the warm fuzzies when learning about the fruit of the spirit. Galations 5:22 "but the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness." So these are to be developed to help nourish other believers, convert non believers, and cause spiritual growth for ourselves? Ok, so love. Check. Joy. Check. Peace. Working on it. Patience. Working on it. Kindness. Not really sure. Goodness. How can this really be achieved? Faithfulness. Check.
I was reading a journal entry of David Berkowitz, and it made me think. Do others still benefit from our fruits during the "pruning" process. I want to see it. I want to see God using me in others life. I want to make a difference, but how can I do that when I am so focused on me? I'm sure that there are many who can relate. I want to grow my fruits more rich and abundant. I want to be equipped to pour out into others. I remember at the end of my second time going through Living Waters, I told Matt, the coordinator, "I have been poured into so much and been so blessed and enriched by this ministry, I'm overflowing, I need to contribute in some way, let me serve." I was so passionate about it. I still have the passion inside of me for the ministry I am just tired and need to be filled again. I want to be a part of raising up more women who don't see themselves as leaders, come to a place where they are walking in the truth of who they are. The restored version.
I still feel this restlessness and I can't pinpoint it. I need to move, I need to start doing something to further the kingdom. I'm wrestling with what is in the quote below by Nelson Mandella, Who am I to further the kingdom, who am I not to? I am a child of God, redeemed by his love! How can I just say, "Ok, Whew! I have eternal salvation, now let me focus on raising a family and securing retirement." No. This is not my goal, this is not my purpose, or God's design. I am an ambassador of the gospel and I need to be excited enough about it to tell people. Why am I so timid, what is this mind set of "I don't want to push anything on people","If they ask, I'll tell them". This isn't what drug dealers do, this isn't what people who don't care for your eternity do. They push! I'm not saying that I'm gonna go out and try to push people to become Christians or force anyone into following Christ, but I am going to start praying and asking God to give me more opportunities to share his love and his mercy. There are people being killed for their faith right now. I am sitting in my office trying to figure out why I am so discontent with my life.
The answer is, I'm envious of those people, I'm envious of the man who is sitting behind bars right now with fellow inmates plotting his death because he is spreading God's love. I'm envious of those people and their obedience and I want to be like them, I want to be like Paul. I want to encourage the church in their walk and show unbelievers how to walk, in the midst of my obstacles and trials. I'm envious of the people who are called to leave everything, all of life's comforts to plant a church.
that is all for now. Cheerio!
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Monday, May 22, 2006
Uno Mas
Quote from Nelson Mandella:
"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,but that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?Actually, who are you not to be?You are a child of God.Your playing small does not serve the world.There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.It is not just in some; it is in everyone.And, as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously giveother people permission to do the same.As we are liberated from our fear,our presence automatically liberates others."
That is all.
"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,but that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?Actually, who are you not to be?You are a child of God.Your playing small does not serve the world.There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.It is not just in some; it is in everyone.And, as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously giveother people permission to do the same.As we are liberated from our fear,our presence automatically liberates others."
That is all.
More thoughts on community...
So after much reflection and thought I think I have some reasons as to why I avoid community. Most people assume that when someone is isolating themselves it is because they are sinning in some way and do not want to face the community who will call them out or judge them if they really knew what they were doing.
This is not my case. Now, I am not denying that I am a sinner, we have all fallen short of the glory of God, yet he still gives (on a side note). So why am isolating then?
I think for some reason, I've always considered myself an "outsider". I've always observed others and done my own things, sure I'll join in and create some fabulous memories, I've had some truly amazing friendships with people, and then they fade, they grow cold and empty, and then they end. I think it is one of the hardest things in the world to experience.
You might be asking, "why does she consider herself an outsider?" Well, these are among some of my lame excuses. I was raised in a small, poor, broken, family who did not know how to communicate like normal human beings. Now you might say, "well Kathy, most people are from broken homes these days, you aren't any different from JoeSchmoe." Well, my response to that is you are right but for some reason, my brokenness may set off something in JoeSchmoe's brokenness that may ignite some sort of cosmic meltdown. But if I were to go around life with this fear, I would stay locked up in a white padded room. So obviously a lame excuse, that will need to be ruled out.
Next reason, I'm messy. I'm afraid of spilling over onto other people and creating something for someone else to clean up. Again, it seems like the theme here is fear. I know that right now is a time in my life were overcoming fear "has" to be my theme. So again, this holds no flame.
An absolute ridiculous reason, my ministry. I've never seemed to be able to crack the code to any of the "normal" ministries. Worship, that is one ministry I've been trying to be "called" to my entire life. But the ministry that has been placed on my heart for the time being is Living Waters, for the relationally and sexually broken. It's not a pretty ministry, it's intense and there is a lot of crying and overflow of emotions and old stuff being brought out. But at the same time an overflow of God's presence and healing and mercy is also poured out. It's one of those ministries that no one really thinks is for them but in reality, EVERYONE could benefit from it. Not saying God can't heal people in other ways but it's a great way to make a commitment to restoration and learning how to function again in a healthy Godly way. Some pastors just decide that, their church doesn't really need it. It's not part of the "norm".
These are some of the "reasons"/"excuses" I give to not being in community, why they wouldn't except me. I'm not really sure what to do about it but I know that I cannot give those excuses anymore and somehow by posting them here it's me saying I refuse to claim those anymore.
We will see...
This may not be my last post for the day...
This is not my case. Now, I am not denying that I am a sinner, we have all fallen short of the glory of God, yet he still gives (on a side note). So why am isolating then?
I think for some reason, I've always considered myself an "outsider". I've always observed others and done my own things, sure I'll join in and create some fabulous memories, I've had some truly amazing friendships with people, and then they fade, they grow cold and empty, and then they end. I think it is one of the hardest things in the world to experience.
You might be asking, "why does she consider herself an outsider?" Well, these are among some of my lame excuses. I was raised in a small, poor, broken, family who did not know how to communicate like normal human beings. Now you might say, "well Kathy, most people are from broken homes these days, you aren't any different from JoeSchmoe." Well, my response to that is you are right but for some reason, my brokenness may set off something in JoeSchmoe's brokenness that may ignite some sort of cosmic meltdown. But if I were to go around life with this fear, I would stay locked up in a white padded room. So obviously a lame excuse, that will need to be ruled out.
Next reason, I'm messy. I'm afraid of spilling over onto other people and creating something for someone else to clean up. Again, it seems like the theme here is fear. I know that right now is a time in my life were overcoming fear "has" to be my theme. So again, this holds no flame.
An absolute ridiculous reason, my ministry. I've never seemed to be able to crack the code to any of the "normal" ministries. Worship, that is one ministry I've been trying to be "called" to my entire life. But the ministry that has been placed on my heart for the time being is Living Waters, for the relationally and sexually broken. It's not a pretty ministry, it's intense and there is a lot of crying and overflow of emotions and old stuff being brought out. But at the same time an overflow of God's presence and healing and mercy is also poured out. It's one of those ministries that no one really thinks is for them but in reality, EVERYONE could benefit from it. Not saying God can't heal people in other ways but it's a great way to make a commitment to restoration and learning how to function again in a healthy Godly way. Some pastors just decide that, their church doesn't really need it. It's not part of the "norm".
These are some of the "reasons"/"excuses" I give to not being in community, why they wouldn't except me. I'm not really sure what to do about it but I know that I cannot give those excuses anymore and somehow by posting them here it's me saying I refuse to claim those anymore.
We will see...
This may not be my last post for the day...
Emotions
I need to have a rant about emotions. I'm tired of being at the brunt of people's negetive emotions. This has happen to me more times than I'd like to count this month. It fights with what I'm trying to believe in my own life, that emotions are good. I am a very emotional person, this fact I've had learn to accept because that is how God made me and he will use that side of me. These are some boundaries I've made for myself, as I am very aware of my emotions and when they are unstable and etc...
Rule #1, I never make a decision when my emotions are out of control. I may want to quit my job, break up with my boyfriend, or beat up someone of authority, but none of those things would bring me any good.
Rule #2, Never take out my emotions on someone who they are not meant for and if I slip and do, apoligize right away.
Rule #3, Pray and ask what God wants me to do with these emotions and how he would like me to react in circumstances.
I know that if I were to let my emotions dictate the way I lived my life, I would probably be locked away forever, unsafe to be around society.
Why am I posting this you ask? Well, I'll tell you.
I am a creative person, I utilize the right side of brain a bit more than the left side. Because of that, I've learned that when something is hard for me to handle or I'm having a dry period in my life, or discontent or any of those things, the most relaxing and theraputic thing for me is to find a creative outlet. As silly as it sounds, speaking my mind through a colorful blog seems like the perfect creative outlet for as of now.
I am three days away of making a huge change in my life, taking an incredible leap of faith and need help. I am not good at asking for help from friends. I'm not good at calling people up and saying, "I just need someone to talk to". I desire community yet fear it. I am indepent by nature yet I am called to be completley dependant upon God.
By the power of God, fear was broken in my life last week, it was so huge, yet I had few to tell of this great joy too. Most probably aren't even aware that up till now, my life has been run by fear. As I'm trying to uncover the great mysteries of investing in close female friends who are not muniplative or controlling. It is yet another area of life where I must just jump. All relationships are a risk. It took everything in me to trust God and letting my boyfriend pursue me, it was a risk, still is. Now, I must pursue friendships with women (plural). Women that I let into my secret places and that I in turn get to know. Women that I could share with and rejoice in their victories, etc... It's just taking that intial step, one foot in front of the other.
Any comments would be most appreciated.
Rule #1, I never make a decision when my emotions are out of control. I may want to quit my job, break up with my boyfriend, or beat up someone of authority, but none of those things would bring me any good.
Rule #2, Never take out my emotions on someone who they are not meant for and if I slip and do, apoligize right away.
Rule #3, Pray and ask what God wants me to do with these emotions and how he would like me to react in circumstances.
I know that if I were to let my emotions dictate the way I lived my life, I would probably be locked away forever, unsafe to be around society.
Why am I posting this you ask? Well, I'll tell you.
I am a creative person, I utilize the right side of brain a bit more than the left side. Because of that, I've learned that when something is hard for me to handle or I'm having a dry period in my life, or discontent or any of those things, the most relaxing and theraputic thing for me is to find a creative outlet. As silly as it sounds, speaking my mind through a colorful blog seems like the perfect creative outlet for as of now.
I am three days away of making a huge change in my life, taking an incredible leap of faith and need help. I am not good at asking for help from friends. I'm not good at calling people up and saying, "I just need someone to talk to". I desire community yet fear it. I am indepent by nature yet I am called to be completley dependant upon God.
By the power of God, fear was broken in my life last week, it was so huge, yet I had few to tell of this great joy too. Most probably aren't even aware that up till now, my life has been run by fear. As I'm trying to uncover the great mysteries of investing in close female friends who are not muniplative or controlling. It is yet another area of life where I must just jump. All relationships are a risk. It took everything in me to trust God and letting my boyfriend pursue me, it was a risk, still is. Now, I must pursue friendships with women (plural). Women that I let into my secret places and that I in turn get to know. Women that I could share with and rejoice in their victories, etc... It's just taking that intial step, one foot in front of the other.
Any comments would be most appreciated.
Friday, May 19, 2006
I've posted some pictures of my current work on my website. If you haven't already checked it out, do so.;)
http://envisions-design.com
more intriguing thoughts to come...
http://envisions-design.com
more intriguing thoughts to come...
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Just Remember, no matter what happens here, NO ONE can take away who you are and who you were created to be. Those are YOURS. No matter how people treat you or mistreat you, no matter what choices you make or don't make, no matter who really loves or doesn't see/appreciate your worth. NO ONE can take YOU away from YOU. Your desires, your loves, your passions, those are untouchable, NO ONE can take those.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Monday, May 08, 2006
Thursday, May 04, 2006
I will take the faith challenge!
Faith: Confident belief in the truth, value, or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing. Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence. The theological virtue defined as secure belief in God and trusting acceptance of God's will. Complete confidence in a person or plan etc;
Faith is in general the persuasion of the mind that a certain statement is true(Phil.1:27; 2 Thess. 2:13). It's primary idea is trust. A thing is true, and therefore worthy of trust. It admits of many degrees up to full assurance of faith, in accordance with the evidence on which it rests.
-Dictonary.com
I believe faith is important to us as born again christians as it is the foundation of why we live as we live. If we have faith in God, we are believing what he says is true and that he will fullfill his promises.
"...not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ-the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith." - Philipians 3:9
How can we heal the sick without faith? how can we serve the poor without faith? How can we love without faith?
198 words- Thank you very much!
Faith: Confident belief in the truth, value, or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing. Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence. The theological virtue defined as secure belief in God and trusting acceptance of God's will. Complete confidence in a person or plan etc;
Faith is in general the persuasion of the mind that a certain statement is true(Phil.1:27; 2 Thess. 2:13). It's primary idea is trust. A thing is true, and therefore worthy of trust. It admits of many degrees up to full assurance of faith, in accordance with the evidence on which it rests.
-Dictonary.com
I believe faith is important to us as born again christians as it is the foundation of why we live as we live. If we have faith in God, we are believing what he says is true and that he will fullfill his promises.
"...not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ-the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith." - Philipians 3:9
How can we heal the sick without faith? how can we serve the poor without faith? How can we love without faith?
198 words- Thank you very much!
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Monday, May 01, 2006
yea of little Faith...
By Faith
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for.
By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible. By faith Abel offered God a better sacrifice than Cain did. By faith he was commended as a righteous man, when God spoke well of his offerings. And by faith he still speaks, even though he is dead.
By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death; he could not be found, because God had taken him away. For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God. And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.
By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he way going. By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God.
By faith Abraham, even though he was past age-and Sarah herself was barren-was enabled to become a father because he considered him faithful who had made the promise. And so from this one man, and he as good as dead, came descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as countless as the sand on the seashore.
All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised;they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country-a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.
By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had received the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, even though God had said to him, "It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned." Abraham reasoned that God could raise the dead, and figuratively speaking, he did receive Isaac back from death.
By faith Isaac blessed Jacob and ease in regard to their future.
By faith Jacob, when he was dying, blessed each of Joseph's sons, and worshipped as he leaned on the top of his staff.
By faith Joseph, when his end was near, spoke about the exodus of the Israelites from Egypt and gave instructions about his bones.
By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be known as the son of Pharoh's daughter. He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a short time. He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward. By faith he left Egypt, not fearing the king's anger; he preserved because he saw him who is invisible. By faith he kept the Passover and the sprinkling of blood, so that the destroyer of the firstborn would not touch the firstborn of Israel.
By faith the people passed through the red sea as on dry land; but when Egyptians tried to do so, they were drowned.
By faith the walls of Jericho fell, after the people had marched around them for seven days.
By faith the prostitute Rahab, because she welcomed the spies, was not killed with those who were disobedient.
And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel, and the prophets, who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, quenched the fury of flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. Women received back their dead, raised to life again. Others were tortured and refused to be released, so that they might gain a better resurrection. Some faced jeers and flogging, while others were chained and put in prison. They were stoned; they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated-the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, and in caves and holes in the ground.
These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect."
-Hebrews 11
By Faith
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for.
By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible. By faith Abel offered God a better sacrifice than Cain did. By faith he was commended as a righteous man, when God spoke well of his offerings. And by faith he still speaks, even though he is dead.
By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death; he could not be found, because God had taken him away. For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God. And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.
By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he way going. By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God.
By faith Abraham, even though he was past age-and Sarah herself was barren-was enabled to become a father because he considered him faithful who had made the promise. And so from this one man, and he as good as dead, came descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as countless as the sand on the seashore.
All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised;they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country-a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.
By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had received the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, even though God had said to him, "It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned." Abraham reasoned that God could raise the dead, and figuratively speaking, he did receive Isaac back from death.
By faith Isaac blessed Jacob and ease in regard to their future.
By faith Jacob, when he was dying, blessed each of Joseph's sons, and worshipped as he leaned on the top of his staff.
By faith Joseph, when his end was near, spoke about the exodus of the Israelites from Egypt and gave instructions about his bones.
By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be known as the son of Pharoh's daughter. He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a short time. He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward. By faith he left Egypt, not fearing the king's anger; he preserved because he saw him who is invisible. By faith he kept the Passover and the sprinkling of blood, so that the destroyer of the firstborn would not touch the firstborn of Israel.
By faith the people passed through the red sea as on dry land; but when Egyptians tried to do so, they were drowned.
By faith the walls of Jericho fell, after the people had marched around them for seven days.
By faith the prostitute Rahab, because she welcomed the spies, was not killed with those who were disobedient.
And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel, and the prophets, who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, quenched the fury of flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. Women received back their dead, raised to life again. Others were tortured and refused to be released, so that they might gain a better resurrection. Some faced jeers and flogging, while others were chained and put in prison. They were stoned; they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated-the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, and in caves and holes in the ground.
These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect."
-Hebrews 11
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