So lately I have been feeling a sense of urgency, for the kingdom, to grow closer into communion with my heavenly Father. There are so many questions, so many convictions, so many things to lift up in prayer, why can't I just do that, maybe I need a silent retreat of some sort or maybe God intends for me to do this inspite of the chaos around me.
"The Fruit of the Spirit" - I've never really had the warm fuzzies when learning about the fruit of the spirit. Galations 5:22 "but the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness." So these are to be developed to help nourish other believers, convert non believers, and cause spiritual growth for ourselves? Ok, so love. Check. Joy. Check. Peace. Working on it. Patience. Working on it. Kindness. Not really sure. Goodness. How can this really be achieved? Faithfulness. Check.
I was reading a journal entry of David Berkowitz, and it made me think. Do others still benefit from our fruits during the "pruning" process. I want to see it. I want to see God using me in others life. I want to make a difference, but how can I do that when I am so focused on me? I'm sure that there are many who can relate. I want to grow my fruits more rich and abundant. I want to be equipped to pour out into others. I remember at the end of my second time going through Living Waters, I told Matt, the coordinator, "I have been poured into so much and been so blessed and enriched by this ministry, I'm overflowing, I need to contribute in some way, let me serve." I was so passionate about it. I still have the passion inside of me for the ministry I am just tired and need to be filled again. I want to be a part of raising up more women who don't see themselves as leaders, come to a place where they are walking in the truth of who they are. The restored version.
I still feel this restlessness and I can't pinpoint it. I need to move, I need to start doing something to further the kingdom. I'm wrestling with what is in the quote below by Nelson Mandella, Who am I to further the kingdom, who am I not to? I am a child of God, redeemed by his love! How can I just say, "Ok, Whew! I have eternal salvation, now let me focus on raising a family and securing retirement." No. This is not my goal, this is not my purpose, or God's design. I am an ambassador of the gospel and I need to be excited enough about it to tell people. Why am I so timid, what is this mind set of "I don't want to push anything on people","If they ask, I'll tell them". This isn't what drug dealers do, this isn't what people who don't care for your eternity do. They push! I'm not saying that I'm gonna go out and try to push people to become Christians or force anyone into following Christ, but I am going to start praying and asking God to give me more opportunities to share his love and his mercy. There are people being killed for their faith right now. I am sitting in my office trying to figure out why I am so discontent with my life.
The answer is, I'm envious of those people, I'm envious of the man who is sitting behind bars right now with fellow inmates plotting his death because he is spreading God's love. I'm envious of those people and their obedience and I want to be like them, I want to be like Paul. I want to encourage the church in their walk and show unbelievers how to walk, in the midst of my obstacles and trials. I'm envious of the people who are called to leave everything, all of life's comforts to plant a church.
that is all for now. Cheerio!
2 comments:
God is so obviously pulling on your heart right now. He wants to take you somewhere, and He's preparing you to go. I believe the soul-searching the last couple of days is just a watering of the soil so He can loosen your roots and take you where you need to go, spiritually.
Until you plant a church within yourself, how can you plant a church elsewhere?
This is not related to your post, but I just wanted to say I'm happy for you guys. Now in just 10 days, my girl is moving to Durham...hmmm...what an interesting coincidence.
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