More thoughts on community...

So after much reflection and thought I think I have some reasons as to why I avoid community. Most people assume that when someone is isolating themselves it is because they are sinning in some way and do not want to face the community who will call them out or judge them if they really knew what they were doing.

This is not my case. Now, I am not denying that I am a sinner, we have all fallen short of the glory of God, yet he still gives (on a side note). So why am isolating then?

I think for some reason, I've always considered myself an "outsider". I've always observed others and done my own things, sure I'll join in and create some fabulous memories, I've had some truly amazing friendships with people, and then they fade, they grow cold and empty, and then they end. I think it is one of the hardest things in the world to experience.

You might be asking, "why does she consider herself an outsider?" Well, these are among some of my lame excuses. I was raised in a small, poor, broken, family who did not know how to communicate like normal human beings. Now you might say, "well Kathy, most people are from broken homes these days, you aren't any different from JoeSchmoe." Well, my response to that is you are right but for some reason, my brokenness may set off something in JoeSchmoe's brokenness that may ignite some sort of cosmic meltdown. But if I were to go around life with this fear, I would stay locked up in a white padded room. So obviously a lame excuse, that will need to be ruled out.

Next reason, I'm messy. I'm afraid of spilling over onto other people and creating something for someone else to clean up. Again, it seems like the theme here is fear. I know that right now is a time in my life were overcoming fear "has" to be my theme. So again, this holds no flame.

An absolute ridiculous reason, my ministry. I've never seemed to be able to crack the code to any of the "normal" ministries. Worship, that is one ministry I've been trying to be "called" to my entire life. But the ministry that has been placed on my heart for the time being is Living Waters, for the relationally and sexually broken. It's not a pretty ministry, it's intense and there is a lot of crying and overflow of emotions and old stuff being brought out. But at the same time an overflow of God's presence and healing and mercy is also poured out. It's one of those ministries that no one really thinks is for them but in reality, EVERYONE could benefit from it. Not saying God can't heal people in other ways but it's a great way to make a commitment to restoration and learning how to function again in a healthy Godly way. Some pastors just decide that, their church doesn't really need it. It's not part of the "norm".

These are some of the "reasons"/"excuses" I give to not being in community, why they wouldn't except me. I'm not really sure what to do about it but I know that I cannot give those excuses anymore and somehow by posting them here it's me saying I refuse to claim those anymore.

We will see...

This may not be my last post for the day...