You've Proven you're point...

Once again, God has proven to me that I can't do anything by my own strength...

So, my boyfriend and I are both going through a really tough time and could both use a lot of prayer. I'm starting to realize that no matter how much healing I go through and how much I want a healthy relationship, I'm still not the perfect girlfriend, heck I'm not perfect period. Our longing to do things right is good because it carries us to the cross, but we have to realize that unless we actually admit and accept that we can't do it without the cross then we are going to drop our mask one day and it will be devastating to realize that we are not perfect and that others can see that as well.

I deal with the thoughts of letting people down if they know that I'm not always together, if Kathy doesn't have a smile on her face, we don't want to be around her. I'm trying to work this all out. I don't have anything profound to share. I don't have any words of wisdom. I'm just bringing my stuff to the table.

Growing up, the scariest thought to me was when they said at church, "all of your sins will be revealed one day." If that thought scares you like it did me. Start now. Share them with someone you trust. Start with a leader in the church or someone who won't judge you. Putting all this out there really helps me because now anyone who has internet access has the ability to see my weakness. But they also have the ability to see God come into my weakness and work some pretty amazing miracles.

My doubting Thomas syndrome has come to it's full circle, I have felt with my fingers. I believe! God is faithful, he will provide. No matter how screwed up we feel, no matter how much we think our circumstance sucks, he is in the midst of it and all you have to do is invite him into your mess.

Peace be with you.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think on these things." - Philippians 4:8

"Therefore, brothers, Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable; if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think on these things." - Philipians 4:8

-I'm trying...

This weekend was amazing! I'm so excited about this new adventure I'm embarking on. I asked God for change and he was like here it is!

My relationship with Alex has been such a stretching experience. His loving me challenges the way I view myself and the way I am in relationships with others.

It scares me to death sometimes thinking, If I let someone love me and I let them down that would be worse than not being loved at all.

This is not true at all. It is much better to cast my cares upon the Lord, for he will sustain me. Man was not created to be alone but to embrace community with others. I am trying to do just that. I seem to be under a lot of attack as I'm trying to get closer to people and further my relationship with Alex. Feelings of unworthiness, fear of abandonment, things like that. The fact of the matter is that God has not created me to live in fear or to be weighed down with worry and doubt. I think I'm starting to feel like Doubting Thomas (time appropriate?) Except I want to make sure that love and community is real, that I can feel the affects and know that it's really there. I am praying for the faith to just believe in the power of love and community and acknowledge that it is for me and that I can receive it, there's no action that I need to do or people that I need to impress before I can receive but I need to be open to receiving it and live in fear of what might happen or not happen tomorrow.

That's all of my ranting for now.

Listed below are 25 things that were true of me five years ago but that are no longer true. These aren't meant to be good or bad, just a sampling of how my life has changed. And they are all surface-level and meant to be fun. Feel free to post yours in the comments. If you post them on your blog, please leave a link to it in the comments to this post.

1. I worked at an ice cream shop and a fabric store
2. I went to church but Jesus wasn't considered a friend yet.
3. I could stay up till all hours of the morning and not pay for it the next day.
4. I was in an unhealthy relationship
5. I lived in California
6. I watched TV-especially Pokemon...
7. I was subjected to way too much punk music
8. I had no vision or dreams for my life
9. I had short hair
10. I didn't even know what taxes were.
11. I wasted hours of my life doing nothing
12. I didn't know how to play any musical instruments
13. I ate macaroni and cheese
14. I was dissatisfied with my life
15. All I wore was flip flops
16. I had never experienced a white Christmas
17. I had never been to Chicago
18. I slept in a twin bed
19. I smoked
20. I listened to a lot of Sara Vaughn
21. I didn't cook
22. I had a scottie dog named charli
23. I didn't own a "winter coat"
24. I had never eaten Thai food
25. I didn't know my potential.

This is for you David:

David is so cool that when I think about his coolness I spew chocolate milk out of my nose...

Ok, but really, I don't really have anything profound to blog about so I will just give you all an update of Kathy's world. So, Alex is coming to spend Easter with me and he'll be here in less than 3 days and I'm extremely excited! Alex is an amazing man, strong, responsible, respects me, and loves me. It is so awesome for me to experience this. It is a step of faith for me as well as a beautiful picture of things that I'd always hoped for and never expected.

I'm really excited to see spring in bloom. What a glorious time, new life, not only the weather thaws but people's attitudes as well. You see more smiles, people aren't heavy laden with parka's and snow boots. Everyone is in love...Including me. This really is a new season and I'm so excited to see what other things are to come.

I didn't go to Alabama, my dad is surviving, I'm not sure what exactly he's doing but I'm trying to practice good boundaries and not try to parent him. This summer is going to be a wild ride. I have no idea what to expect but I know that big and exciting things are going to happen. I feel a lot of joy right now.

"Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart...Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life."--Steve Jobs, June 2005 @ Stanford

This quote right here is why I live like I do. Yes I want to have a family, yes I want to have security, but we are called to something higher than all of these things. I have nothing to lose as long as I'm seeking God in everything I do. This is why I had no fear about moving 2000 miles at 19 with two suitcase in hand and less than $400 to my name. If we don't step out of our comfort zones and follow God's calling to something bigger than ourselves, this world, then what are we living for? Gain? I don't think so. What can we gain if we don't take risk? Mediocrity.

You feel that restlessness? Do feel something stirring inside you? Follow it. Go. Even if it's takes only to the house down the street, to another city, state, or even country. Go. Even if it's only to the grocery store, God is here to change people's lives and he wants to use us. It can be at the train station, it can be at the pulpit, it can be in your office or at home. He wants to use you. He wants more for you than you can hope for. Go.

We are here for only a short time. I don't know about you but I don't want to wait till my kids are in college before I let God use me. I want to do it now! I want the best that God has for me and I'm willing to be uncomfortable or even experience some growing pains to be able to enjoy it to the fullest. I want to be rich in Christ.

-"Let the poor man say I am rich in him"

On this rock of ages, I shall not be moved

On this rock of ages, I shall not be moved

Just like a tree that's planted by the water

I shall not be moved

Glory, glory, glory

hallelujah, I shall not be moved

Glory hallelujah, I shall not be moved

Just like a tree that's planted by the water

I shall not be moved

-Johnny Cash