Merry Christmas and a Happy New...

Well, what can I say, we are trying to buy a house in the middle of the craziest holiday of the year...there is stress...and uncertainty...and wanting this baby to be here already. I just cannot imagine this baby getting any bigger inside me without me toppling over...I feel like we are just in this whirlwind of waiting...when we get the house we can do this...when the baby is here we can do that...it seems like we are just waiting, and there is not much to do in the waiting room, yet we are always busy, running to sign papers, driving to pick up appliances that aren't there or that end up getting stolen...baking like a mad women...being sick and still trying to get on with things. Being this amazing wife who can carry all this weight and still be the encourager for not only her husband but for her friends and family around her...what about me? Where's my encourager? This Christmas was really hard for me. I feel like we really didn't get it, you know. We spent time with family, ate a lot of food, and gave people gifts....thats it...we reduced it to just that...it's so empty. I feel alone, and helpless, I confess, I am not superwoman. I cannot carry this baby that weighs a ton and go about every day life as if everything is normal, and make everyone around me as happy as I can make them, and make all the pieces in our life come together. I cannot do it.

God has undoubtedly blessed us immensely. All of these doors flung wide open for us and it has been an amazing, scary, and wonderful ride. If tomorrow, the door slams in our face, I will understand, I will not be happy about it, but I will understand. How have we acted in the face of abundant blessing, the first sign of something scary we doubt, we say nope, it'll never happen, we lean on our own understanding. We get frustrated at those around us for circumstances that no one has control over. We do everything but the very thing we should be doing, falling on our faces worshiping God for how amazing he is and how grateful we are for EVERYTHING.

What I have also learned is I am a complainer...Pregnancy is painful, uncomfortable and limits everything! Yet it is wonderful and an absolute miracle and teaches you love and patience and kindness you've never experienced before in your life. Expect it, and deal with it. Some people will pamper you others will expect you to go about your everyday life as though nothing has changed, don't expect any different. Some things you have to do on your own, even if everyone is telling you, "you shouldn't have to do that on your own." Well, guess what? Yes I do. Do you see anyone else lending a hand? Oh dear, here I've gone again, on a rant of complaining. This is not to say I have not had help, I have many people who have reached out and blessed me in more ways than they will know, but just like everything else, the one negative sticks out far more than all the little positives...it makes my insides cringe, they are screaming "Wait! But we are an optimist, we don't think like this!". Another thing I've learned this year, Optimistic people can very easily get trapped into the Pessimistic way of thinking. The good news is, your nature is to find the good in things. Thats what I am doing now, I am frantically trying to find the good in all this...